A Southern Baptist minister was completing a temperance sermon. With great emphasis he said, "If I had all the beer in the world, I'd take it and pour it into the river."
With even greater emphasis he said, "And if I had all the wine in the world, I'd take it and pour it into the river."
And then finally, shaking his fist in the air, he said, "And if I had all the whiskey in the world, I'd take it and pour it into the river."
Sermon, complete, he then sat down. The song leader stood very cautiously and announced with a smile, "For our closing song, let us sing Hymn #365, "Shall We Gather at the River."
A minister told his congregation, "Next week I plan to preach about the sin of lying. To help you understand my sermon, I want you all to read Mark 17."
The following Sunday, as he prepared to deliver his sermon, the minister asked how many had read Mark 17. Every hand went up.
The minister smiled and said, "Mark has only sixteen chapters. I will now proceed with my sermon on the sin of lying."
At a nursing home a group of Seniors were sitting around talking about all their ailments.
"My arms have gotten so weak I can hardly lift this cup of coffee," said one. Two men were marooned on a island with no help in sight. One man asked the other,
"Aren't you worried? No body has any idea where we are---We might die out here!" The second man said, "No, I'm not a bit worried. You see, last year I made over a hundred thousand
dollars, and never failed to give my tithe to the church. I figure my PASTOR will come find me!"
There was an old couple who had a very stormy marriage. Eventually, the old man died, and was greeted by St. Peter at the Pearly Gates. St. Peter said, "To enter into heaven, all you have to do is spell one word correctly. How do you spell faith?" "Well that's easy," the man said. "F-A-I-T-H." "Very good," St. Peter told him,
"You may now enter heaven. But would you do me a favor? Would you sit here for a few minutes and watch the gate for me? If anyone comes along, just give them a simple spelling test like I gave you. The man agreed, and as he sat there watching the gate, who should come along but his wife. "Old man, what are YOU doing here?" she asked. He explained that
he was watching the gate for St. Peter. He told her, "All you have to do to get in is spell one word----Mesopotamia!" Three women die together in an accident and go to heaven. When they get there, St. Peter says, "We only have one rule here in heaven...don't step on the ducks." So they enter heaven and, sure enough, there are ducks all over the place. It is almost impossible not to step on a duck, and although they try their best to avoid them, the first woman accidentally steps on one of the ducks.
Along comes St. Peter with the ugliest man they have ever seen. St. Peter chains the woman to the man and says, "This is your punishment for stepping on a duck. You must spend eternity chained to this ugly man." The next day, the second woman accidentally steps on a duck and along comes St. Peter, who doesn't miss a thing, and with him is another ugly man. He chains them together with the same admonishment as for the first woman.
The third woman has observed all this and not wanting to be chained for all eternity to an ugly man, is very careful where she steps. She manages to go for months without stepping on any ducks, but one day St. Peter comes to her with the most handsome man she has ever laid eyes on....very tall, tanned, muscular and thin. St. Peter chains them together without saying a word. The woman remarks, "I wonder what I did to deserve being chained to you for all eternity." The guy says, "I don't know about you, but I stepped on a duck.
"I want to tithe," a man told his pastor, "I want to
give 10 percent of my income to my church. When my income was $50 a week, I gave $5 to the church every week. When I was successful in business and my weekly income rose to $500 a week, I gave $50 to my church every week. But now my income has gone to $5,000 a week, and I just can't bring myself to give $500 to the church every week."The pastor said, "Why don't we pray over this?" The pastor began to pray, "Dear God, please make this man's weekly income $500 a week so
that he can tithe again..." A woman goes into the Post Office to buy some stamps for her Christmas cards. "What denomination?" the clerk asked. The woman replied; "Oh, good heavens, I can't believe it's come to this! Well, give me 50 Baptist and 50 Catholic."
Three pastors met and were talking over conditions at their churches.
The first pastor said, "You know, since summer started, I've been having trouble with mice in my church. I've tried everything----noise, spray, cats---nothing seems to scare them away."
The second pastor said, "Yeah, my church too. There are hundreds living in the basement of the church. I've set traps and even called an expert to get rid of them but nothing has worked so far."
The third pastor said, "I had the same problem, so I baptized all mine and made them members of the church... we haven't seen them since. A man is trying to understand the nature of God and asked him: "God, how
long is a million years to you?" The day finally arrives, Forrest Gump dies and goes to heaven. He is at the Pearly Gates, met by St. Peter himself, who says "Well, Forrest, it's certainly good to see you. We have heard a lot about you. I must inform you that the place is filling up fast, so we've been administering an entrance examination for everyone. The tests are fairly short, but you need to pass before you can get into heaven.
Forrest responds,"It shore is good to be here St. Peter, but nobody ever told me about any entrance exam. Sure hope the test ain't too hard; life was a big enough test as it was."
St. Peter goes on, "Yes, I know Forrest, but the test I have for you consists of only three questions. Here is the first: What days of the week begin with the letter T?"
Forrest says, "Well, shucks, that one's easy. That'd be Today and Tomorrow." The Saint's eyes open wide and he exclaims, "Forrest! That's not what I was thinking, but.....you do have a point, and I guess I didn't specify, so I will give you credit for that answer. Now then next one is a math test: how many seconds are there in a year?"
"Now that one's harder," says Forrest, "but I thunk and thunk about that and I guess the answer can only be twelve."
Astounded, St. Peter says,"Twelve! Twelve??! Forrest, how in heaven's name could you come up with twelve seconds in a year?"
Forest says "Shucks, there gotta be twelve: January second, February second, March second......"
"Hold it," interrupts St. Peter. "I see where you're going with this, and I guess I see your point, though that wasn't quite what I had in mind, but I'll give you credit for that one, too. Let's go on with the final question: Can you tell me God's first name?"
Forrest quickly replied, "Andy." "OK, OK," said a frustrated St. Peter, "I can understand how you came up with your answers to my first two questions, but just how in the world did you come up with the name of 'Andy' as the first name of God?"
"Shucks, that was the easiest one of all,"Forrest replied. "I learned it from the song...."ANDY WALKS WITH ME, ANDY TALKS WITH ME, ANDY TELLS ME I AM HIS OWN..."
"Yes, I know," said another. "My cataracts are so bad I can't even see my coffee."
"I couldn't even punch out the chad at election time, my hands are so crippled," volunteered a third.
"What? Speak up! What? I can't hear you!"
"I can't turn my head because of the arthritis in my neck," said a fourth, to which several nodded weakly in agreement.
"My blood pressure pills make me so dizzy!" exclaimed another.
"I forget where I am, and where I'm going," said another.
"I guess that's the price we pay for getting old," winced an old man as he slowly shook his head. The others nodded in agreement.
"Well, count your blessings," said one woman cheerfully ...."Thank God we can all still drive!"
God answered: "A million years is like a minute."
Then the man asked: "God, how much is a million dollars to you?"
And God replied: "A million dollars is like a penny."
Finally the man asked: "God, could you give me a penny?"
And God said:"In a minute."